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Paul the Optimist's avatar

Great write up that encompasses a few of the issues with party throwing. As a prolific party host in SF, let me add a few to the pile:

* housing cost is real. The places most suitable for parties are large cities, yet it's expensive to find space large enough to host a sizable party there. I pay $1.5k/month extra to rent a place larger than what I need, just to host parties

* people these days are *afraid* of dating their friends. Social skills are on the decline, anxiety is on the rise, and seeing a person you used to date *again* is too much to ask for many. Hope I can fix it with my blog tho.

* hosting large events requires huge amounts of social skills, which are, again, on the decline

* I do track reciprocity for hundreds of my second-circle friends. It is in my head, but for each of my party attendees, I know exactly how well they reciprocated over time. People who give back are the first to get invited to things. So I don't think it's a problem at all, at least not for me

Most of my friends who host parties can not keep up with the attendee counts. Half of my parties have waitlists, our apartments are packed, and we have to branch out to venues for rent or find wealthier people who have the space to host but not the friends to fill it with.

So I would surmise that the problem is on the supply side. People love coming to parties. But it became a sorta winner-takes-all kind of market in my circles. There are big parties and small parties, but almost no "middle class" parties, thrown by occasional hosts for their close-ish friends, on a regular-ish basis.

P.S. And if you ever feel there aren't enough parties in your life, lmk and you'll get an invite

Mariah Kreutter's avatar

I wonder how much the housing market is an influence here, too? Not so much because people lack space, but because they have roommates—and it seems harder to get 2-4 people to agree to a time and a guest list than for one person (or a couple, where it’s more normalized to say “this is what we’re doing Saturday night”) to decide to host. My roommates are dear friends but even so I think I host less living with them than I would living alone! Designated group party house collectives are a different story, of course. But those are a lot less common.

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